JOKES

• If you are depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional.
  If it doesn't work, see a doctor!

• An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went to a party.
  The Englishman took six bottles of beer.
  The Irishman took six crates of Guinness.
  The Scotsman took six friends.

• Then there was the Irishman who got a large envelope through the post with a
  sticker on it saying: PHOTOS - DO NOT BEND.
  So he wrote 'OH YES THEY DO' on it and sent it back.

• CLASSIFIED AD: For sale, leopardskin coat. Condition - spotless.

• SIGN IN PUB: 'Will customers please note that the large Polo mints in the urinals
  are not to be eaten.'

• Then there was the Irishman who bragged that he spoke Esperanto like a native.

• Why do Scottish pipers walk up and down while they're playing?
  Because it makes them harder to hit.

• SIGN IN CHURCH: 'We regret that the box marked 'FOR THE SICK' must be reserved
  henceforth for monetary contributions only.'

• Teacher: 'Tell me, young fellow, who went to Mount Olive?'
  Pupil: 'Popeye?'

• Welsh atheists have started a dial-a-prayer service.
  When you phone them up, nobody answers.

• NEWSFLASH:
  Irish scientists have just discovered a method of doing away with insecticides.
  They've invented a spray that kills all the crops so the insects starve to death.

• Scot: 'I'd like some deodorant if ye please.'
  Chemist: 'Aerosol?'
  Scot: 'No ye great fool - it's fer under me arms!'

• How do you get a Scotsman on a roof?
  Tell him the beer's on the house.

• Did you hear about the sailor who wanted to be buried at sea?
  His brother drowned trying to dig him a grave.

• The Scotsman and his wife asked their daughter what she wanted for Christmas.
  She told them: 'I wanna watch.'
  So they let her.

• You can always tell an Englishman - but you can't tell him much!

• NEWSFLASH:
  A Welshman was fined £100 today for having sex with a goat.
  His friend was fined £50 for acting the goat.

• Did you hear about the man who went playing golf and only hit two balls a day?
  He stood on a garden rake.

• Did you hear about the Welshman whose wife wanted a beauty spot on her face?
  He buried her under Mount Snowdon.

• How can you tell which house is owned by a Scotsman?
  It's the one with the toilet paper on the clothes-line.

• WORLD'S HARDEST JOB: Explaining Irish jokes to an Englishman.

• SCOTTISH WELCOME: 'Come in - Ye'll have had your tea.'

• Englishman: 'You name me one thing that's wrong with England!'
  Irishman: 'It's above sea-level.'

• Two Englishmen were out hunting...
  First: 'I say, we aren't catching any grouse. I wonder where we're going wrong?'
  Second: 'Perhaps we aren't throwing the dogs up high enough?'

• Have you heard about the Scotsman who found a crutch - and broke his wife's leg?

• Driving examiner: 'Now then, Mr Llewellyn, I'm going to test your knowledge of
  the Highway Code. What goes red, red and amber, green, amber, red?'
  Welsh L-driver: 'A tube of fruit gums?'

• NEWSFLASH:
  A Scotsman bought a round of drinks in a pub in London last night.
  Police are appealing for witnesses to the accident.

• KEEP BRITAIN TIDY: SINK WALES!

• The Welsh married couple found a solution to the eternal triangle.
  They ate the sheep!

• What's the difference between a Scotsman and a vending machine?
  You can easily get a drink out of a vending machine.

• A Scottish grocer put a collection box on his counter with a notice saying:
  'FOR THE BLIND'.
  Hundreds of charitable customers put some money in it, and, when the box was full,
  he opened it - and bought a new blind for the window!

• Did you hear about the Kilmarnock farmer who fed his hens on whisky so they'd lay
  Scotch eggs?

• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• Is there another word for 'synonym'?

• How do you respond when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• Why do they lock gas-station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might clean them?

• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?

• 'The acoustics in this theatre are fantastic.' - 'Pardon?'

• 'But Bob, it isn't our baby!' - 'Shut up, it's a better pram.'

• 'Do you come here often?' - 'I'm your wife, stupid!'

• 'That's a nice suit you're wearing. Who went for the fitting?'

• 'I didn't come here to be insulted!' - 'Why, where do you normally go?

• 'Understand you buried your wife last week?' - 'Had to..., dead, you know.'

• 'Waiter, this plate is damp!' - 'Yes, I know, sir. That's the soup.'

• The judge gave the man who stole a calendar twelve months.

• An Australian farmer tried to cross a kangaroo with a sheep so he would get a
  woolly jumper.

• 'I can't stop telling lies' - 'I don't believe you.'

• My wife had her face lifted so many times that now they have to lower her body.

• My wife is so jealous and suspicious that even her eyes watch each other.

• 'Mummy, mummy, I keep going round in circles!' - 'Shut up, or I'll nail your other
   foot to the floor.'

• Owing to a strike at the meteorological office, there will be no weather tomorrow.

• The B.B.C. are to spend £500,000 next year on radio programmes for the deaf.

• Inscription on a nun's tombstone: 'RETURNED - UNOPENED'.

• Penicillin, the present for the man who has everything.

• Our family was so poor my sister was made in Hong Kong.

• What goes in dry, comes out wet and pleases two people? A tea bag.

• My brother was badly beaten up recently fighting for his girlfriend's honour.
  She wanted to keep it.

RETOUR AU SOMMAIRE "HUMOUR"